Bathroom trips and update

So apparently I haven't been drinking enough water. Wanna know why? Water has to go somewhere and getting up to go to the bathroom is not an easy task. Every time I have to go I have to give myself a pep talk. "Okay Megan, we can do this, its not that far, we can do it!". So now I'm feeling pumped up. First thing I have to do is take off my leg compression thingys 

Each one has 3 straps of velcro and I have to be able to reach my legs to take the dumb things off. Problem is, I can't easily reach my legs. So finally those dumb things come off. Then I have to try and sit my bed up a little. I morn just a little because I have just found my perfect comfortable position and now I have to mess it all up. ;(  Then come the hard part,. actually getting out of bed. I have a massive tummy in my way so forget using stomach muscles to sit up. It's easier when Jared is here, but there is no way I'm using that call button just to have a nurse come in and life my whale of a self out of bed. So I sit back and ponder my next move. As soon as a I have a game plan I usually decide to roll over out of bed. Only one problem, there are sides to this bed and lowering those would just take one extra step in the process and its just not worth it. It's only a bathroom, I can do this!

So instead I roll over the sides bars and then I have to figure out how to stand up. Now when I have company over I'm like superwoman. I figure all this out very quickly because I don't want to seem like a weak woman that can't even get out of bed, but when I'm alone this is all done strategically that has taken about 3 weeks to figure out. There is a chair next to me so I grab onto that and get up. Success!!! Now things are easy. I'm able to hobble to the bathroom (because laying in bed for 3 weeks takes a toll on muscles!).
Okay now it's time to get back into bed. This is much easier. I have to reposition all the pillows that have now fallen and if I sit down I'm not going to get up again even if I have a pillow in the wrong spot. So I position everything the way I want. Then I get into bed. Now I have to put those stupid leg things back on. These are much easier to get off than to get on. I could just unhook them but I never do that, I just wait for one to deflate and then I have to work fast. I put it on my leg and....darn it two of the velcro straps are tangled up and it's a race against time before it inflates again. If it inflates I have to wait awhile for it to deflate so I can tighten it the way that it needs or it will fall right off when it deflates. So i move quickly and untangle the straps. If I'm in a good mood then this is usually pretty easy, if I'm having a bad day then all hell breaks loose and I end up almost breaking the entire strap out of anger. I finally get the leg things back on and lay back in bed only to realize I have to pee again. And the nurses wonder why I don't drink enough or empty my bladder enough. Although I appreciate this a lot more than being pumped full of magnesium and saline and then having to use a bedpan. That was interesting.

Enough bathroom talk, lets update on how I'm doing. I don't remember my last post.  But yesterday I was 31 weeks. 

31 weeks:
Approximately 90% of babies born in the 31st week of pregnancy will survive. Babies born at this gestation typically weigh about 1.5 kg. Babies born at 31 weeks are considered moderately premature.
Babies born at 31 will have some layers of subcutaneous brown fat and their wrinkly skin looks more like that of a term baby. They are mature enough to begin to hold their own body temperature but may still need a little help as they continue to grow. Babies born at 31 weeks use all five of their senses to learn about their environments. Their eyesight is still developing and they can form images- Faces are their favorite form of stimulation. The 31 weeker can also hear quite well and will recognize their parents voices. However, loud noises are often too much for their underdeveloped neurological system and they may startle easily. When they become overwhelmed or have had too much activity they may hiccup, sneeze, or even cry- these are outward signs of overstimulation. By 32 weeks, premature babies are also starting to develop more coordinated sleep-wake cycles and are starting to have periods of REM sleep. They enjoy being swaddled and nesting helps with feeling of security. At this stage, a preemie will be awake more, with alert periods lasting several minutes. However, they still will need a lot of sleep and thrive in a dark and quite environment. It’s important to keep in mind that the 31 weeker’s immune system is still not fully developed and even though they may look like smaller versions of full term babies- they will require special care and handling as their immune system matures and grows. They are beginning to develop their suck but will not be ready to feed from a bottle or breast yet as they have not developed the coordination to suck, swallow, and breathe all at the same time. Pacifier use and kangaroo care while being fed will help develop the patterns necessary for future feedings. All babies born at 31 weeks will require a NICU stay but may quickly catch up to their peers and may have few long term effects of prematurity.(www.peekabooicu.net/2012/02/your-growing-preemie-week-by-week/

So next week we reach a milestone. 32 weeks is when babies usually catch up easily and have no lasting effects. 32 weeks is what all twin moms strive for. The next milestone is 34 weeks  and at that point I will be discharged unless things aren't looking great (like I'm contracting too much) which at that point we will either continue hospital bed rest until 35 weeks or we will induce. 36 weeks is the cutoff point. Funny since 36 weeks is also Jared midterm. I'm thinking he is gonna have to make that one up because I'm not staying on bed rest another day just for a midterm. I love you hunny but this is just too much!!!! I need to get back out into the real world. People joke about how I will just have to wait until 36.1 so Jared can get his midterm done. I laugh but NO! Sorry people, if Dr gives me the option of going that Monday I'm taking it!! No questions asked.

I've had to cut off visitors except for family and ministers. I've realized that too much stimulation makes my uterus go into spasms. This weekend was bad. I've been in labor before and this feels like labor! I try my best to stay calm, but these things are no joke and I'm not a first time mom. Funny how the contractions that weren't painful dilated me and the ones that are don't do a thing. I have to lay on my side with a heating pack until a nurse takes pity on me and gives me morphine. I don't understand why people make such a big deal out of that drug. Maybe getting in it an IV is different, but the shot doesn't really effect me except to make me tired and take the edge off the pain. I did have to laugh when I was in extreme pain and felt like I was almost to transition and a nurse offered me Tylenol. What!?!?!? Seriously? I took it but will Tylenol really help the pain of a uterus that is just out of control? My uterus just suddenly realizes that it's stretched way beyond capacity and just freaks out. I ask the nurses what's going on and they all just say "It's a twin thing". I hate that answer. I wish they would offer me some type of pain control or something. I also ask how will I know when I'm in true labor if this is so painful. "Labor is more painful" is the answer I always get. I'm gonna throw one of my nasty chocolate glucerna at the next person that tells me that. I know what labor feels like. I did it naturally for 24 hours. I got to transition before I got any type of pain meds and the pain meds didn't work so I pushed with pitocin for 3 hours with no pain relief! I know what labor feels like!!!!! It feels like what I'm going through. It feels so bad that I know I hot shower will help but I'm in too much pain to move to get there. It feels so bad that I want someone to rub my back but at the same time I just want to be left alone and no one touch me. It feels so bad that someone suggests moving positions and I just want to stay where I'm and hug my pillow even though maybe moving will help. If that isn't labor pain then what is? Of course during these episodes my cervix will not dialate so I'm not taken seriously. So then the other day I was having contractions show up on the monitor, but feeling no pain. The nurse told me that I had to feel pain in order to dialate. WHAT!!!! Okay so I come in the hospital in no pain and realize I'm in labor and dialate quickly and don't feel a thing. Then i get contractions where I feel like I'm dying and I don't dialate at all. So I tell the nurse I should be checked cause nonpainful contractions seem to change my cervix. She said no, I have to be in pain and since this wasn't pain I was just having irritability. I got very frusterated but I knew Dr Hall would be checking my cervix the next day so I just waited. The next day he said my cervix had changed and I was now 85% effaced. So I was right!! I know my body! I don't have to be in pain for my cervix to change. I tried to tell people that but no one listened. I feel very validated. I don't want my cervix to change but I love being right. :)

So that's where I'm at, just waiting to go home or waiting till something happens. Does anyone think I will go home? No. But I'm still holding out hope for a couple take home babies. Although some time with Mason by myself would be nice.

God doesn't always answer prayer the way we want.

I haven't posted my nicu update so I will do that.

30 weeks:
Babies born at 30 weeks gestation have a 90-95 percent chance of survival. Babies born at this gestation will typically weigh about 1.3 kg. Babies born at 30 will have some layers of subcutaneous brown fat and will be mature enough to begin to hold their own body temperature but will often still need a little help as they continue to grow. The eyes can now blink and respond to light and to dark. Their retinas are still developing (making them at risk for retinopathy of prematurity) but their eyes can form images. Although the 30 weeker can hear your voice, loud noises are often too much for their underdeveloped neurological system and they will startle easily. When the 30 weeker gets overwhelmed or has had too much activity they may hiccup, sneeze, or even cry- these are outward signs of overstimulation. The bright lights may also be too much for them to handle and they may tire easily. By 30 weeks, premature babies are also starting to develop more coordinated sleep-wake cycles and are starting to have periods of REM sleep. At this stage, a preemie will be awake more, with alert periods lasting several minutes. However, they still will need a lot of sleep and thrive in a dark and quite environment. They are beginning to develop their suck but will not be ready to feed from a bottle or breast yet as they have not developed the coordination to suck, swallow, and breathe all at the same time. Pacifier use and kangaroo care while being fed will help develop the patterns necessary for future feedings. Premature babies born at 30 weeks gestation will still require long NICU stays but may not have some of the more complex medical issues that come with being born at an earlier gestation. (www.peekabooicu.net/2012/02/your-growing-preemie-week-by-week/)

So I'm basically contracting daily now. No more dialation but my doctor said my uterus is gearing up for labor and eventually it's just going to kick into gear and dialate me very quickly. The contractions are very painful and I'm having a lot of back labor. It happens once or twice a day now. I'm also feeling "off". I can't explain it other than to say I just don't feel right.

Today I talked to Jared and I said I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn't trusting God and the administration. I said that I need to trust him that I will make it to 35 weeks because I'm being administered to so much and it's unfair that I feel like I'm going to have these babies very soon. Jared reminded me that that's not what administration is for, it's to place things in Gods hands and to pray that Gods will will be done and praying for a blessing for me, Avalee, and Aubree. So I've accepted that I will probably not get what I want and deliver at 35 weeks. It could happen if that's Gods will, but if it's not, God will grant us all a blessing and we will all be okay. Avalee and Aubree are fighters and making it to 30 weeks is huge. We are very close to 31 also and I feel like we can make it to 31, maybe even 32 although 32 is pushing it. Jared told me that God knows what's best and maybe the answer to prayer is the twins need to come out soon because there is some danger inutero that no one can see and they need to come out. Or that that later on their health or mine will be compromised and he is protecting us. Who knows? Either way I'm trying to come to the acceptance that we will be nicu parents and not bring our babies home for a long time. But I do believe that God will bless the twins and they will be strong when they are born. I'm no so much worried for them as I am sad that they will have to endure all the things the nicu brings and also I won't bring them home when I go home like I had originally planned. But the important thing is that I'm 30.3 weeks pregnant and still not in labor so we can make it a little longer (or a lot longer, who knows)

Now I'm gonna take an Ambian and listen to this lady next door labor. It sounds like her husband/partner is watching a football game and cheering. This is our entertainment for the night. :)

Preterm Labor take 2

Yep, it happened again. Monday my OB came in and checked my cervix and said that I wasn't dialating anymore and he wanted to send me home on Thursday. I was very uneasy about this. I was trying to convince myself that I was just uneasy because I was scared to not have 24/7 help available to me, but I could never shake the uneasy feeling. So I said a prayer and asked God that if I wasn't supposed to come home he would make something happen that would keep me here and I was placing this situation in his hands. He got to work asap.

At 1 AM Tuesday morning I woke up to a contraction. I went to the bathroom and came back to bed. I felt another one and this one was painful. I went back to the bathroom and felt a contraction on the toilet. I was very uneasy and knew something wasn't right. I went back to bed and felt another painful contraction. I knew at that point something was waaaay off. I paged my nurse and she got me on a monitor. She watched me for 10 minutes and came back in and was like "do you feel like you can get off the monitor?" I was like "I don't know lady, you tell me, your the nurse. Am I okay!?!?" Ok so I wasn't rude about it cause I try to suck up to all my nurses but this nurse has made me mad a couple times by not caring if my babies come off the monitors and not attempting to get them back on. She asked if I was still feeling contractions and I told her yes. She said she would leave me on for 10 more minutes and then take me off. I sure showed her. In those 10 minutes I started contracting every 2-3 minutes. These aren't the same contractions as the ones I felt during preterm labor take 1. These were mean and painful and back labor. I was in pain. She came back in 30 minutes later and flipped on the light and asked me if I was in pain. I told her yes and she said I was having a lot of contractions she was going to check my cervix and then get the doctor. She checked me and I was still a 4 and 80% so these weren't dialating me.

She then got the doctor and the doctor told her to put me on saline just in case I was dehydrated. She started the saline and left it for 2 hours. In that time the pain got worse. My back was hurting and I was vocalizing with each contraction. Every time I had to get up to pee I would get shivers and would shiver uncontrollably even though I wasn't cold. I knew this was my answer to prayer and that I wasn't going to deliver, but I was still in a lot of pain. We put the heating pad behind my back to help with the back pain and waited to see what the doctor would say. The saline wasn't working so the doctor had them give me a shot of morphine. The morphine helped for maybe 45 minutes and then the contractions felt stronger. I was checked again and no dialation which was very good but didn't help the pain I was in. I was given another shot of morphine and contractions slowed enough for me to get some sleep. I slept for maybe an hour and was woken up by a nasty contraction. After awhile I decided it must be some other type of pain because contractions don't last that long. My nurse was there watching. She asked "Did you feel that 5 minute contraction?" Yes I felt that!! Was that a contraction??? Do contractions even last that long!?!?!?! The babies weren't phased by the contraction but I sure was. I was given tylenol and I was able to get some sleep.

My doctor came in and said that I wasn't going home this week. He also said what it looks like is my uterus is going to start a trend where if contracts like this every couple days but we get no dialation. He said eventually it will kick into gear and I will have another episode of contractions, my uterus will dialate and we will have babies. But he wouldn't be surprised to see me have more of these contractions and that's the reason we are staying in the hospital (praying we stay in for a long time, I just don't feel safe at home I want my babies to be monitored and I don't want to make fifty billion trips to labor and delivery).

So contractions were gone and I was able to get some sleep. I slept for about 2 hours when I was woken up by the worst contraction. It surprised me and all I could do was thrash around the bed. I'm sure no one could tell it was a contraction the way I was moving. The pain just kept coming. FINALLY it stopped and I immediately took a shower so the hot water would help calm my uterus. So that brings us to now. No contractions anymore (at least that I know of, I'm no longer hooked up) and so tired I can't keep my eyes open

And for your viewing pleasure this is the lovely contraction that woke me up out of a deep sleep this morning. It doesn't look like a regular contraction because I was thrashing around in bed. This one didn't last as long as my other very painful one but notice the irritablity afterwards or the "aftershocks" that may look small but they still hurt. The lovely little zigzag line is me sleeping and then BAM!!! The stupid thing hits and I'm feeling like screaming. I wonder what it would have looked like if I would have stayed still, but at the time I was in so much pain I didn't care.

My bad place (And I have pics this time)

Time for a not so positive post cause I just need to get this out and try to sort out my thoughts. I've been in "business" mode this whole pregnancy. I knew my job was to keep the babies alive and I didn't allow myself to actually experience any emotion. I tried to shut my emotion off. I refused to connect emotionally to the pregnancy and the stress of the pregnancy was too much for me to handle so I just turned off my emotion unless something went right, then I allowed myself to celebrate the small things without getting to excited about the future. The way I handled stress was to do consignment shopping and I ate cookies. :) Gotta love my oatmeal and frosting cookie sandwiches. My mouth is salivating just thinking about them....well dang it now I really want one. :(

Now I'm in the hospital and being monitored a lot. I can't control my body anymore and I can't control my pregnancy because the nurses and doctors have taken control of my care. I no longer have to wonder if something is wrong because all I have to do is push the call light and say how I'm feeling instead of wonder if I should call the doctor. It's a good feeling and I feel like I no longer have to worry about not going home with two babies (eventually) because I'm being monitored so closely. Because I don't have to worry I now have time to feel emotions that I haven't allowed myself to feel. It's a good feeling to be taken care of, but I'm just having a hard time dealing with this flood of emotion that suddenly hit me. So this is how I feel.

I'm angry. I'm angry at the man that told me that my twins would die. I'm mad at the man online that told me I shouldn't be excited about my twins because there is a huge chance something would go wrong and the twins would fight for their lives. I'm mad that I have had to spend this entire pregnancy worrying about every little thing. I'm mad that no one else understands how I feel because identical twin pregnancy is so different than any other pregnancy including other twin pregnancies and I always have to defend my decisions about the pregnancy. I'm angry that I haven't been allowed to enjoy this pregnancy. I'm angry that Mason has had to suffer and I haven't been a true mom to him because the twins drained my energy. I'm angry that I had bleeding early on and wasn't allowed to hold Mason. I'm mad that I've lost 8 months of Masons life because I have just been to tired to be the mom I want to be. I'm mad that all of this happened during med school so I have had to deal with it alone.

I'm sad. I'm sad because I feel like I'm doing this on my own. Jared has been very supportive, but now that I'm in preterm labor and in the hospital I just want him with me. He is amazing and he studies in my room, but sometimes I just want him actually with me to support me. I'm sad that I only see Mason 30 minutes out of the day and he is scared of me because I look different in bed. I'm sad that I am being robbed of the birth experience I want. Yes I get my vbac and that I am VERY thankful for. But I'm sad because the babies will be taken away from me. Last night I asked how long the twins will be in the nicu if my doctor lets me go to 35 weeks. The nicu nurse said 5 weeks. I stayed up until 3am trying to not cry over that one and then finally broke down when Jared said he couldn't study in my room. I knew it was coming, but it's the little things that set me off. I know they have to say that because they don't want me to get my hopes up, but right now I need hope. I need to be told some good news for a change. I'm sad because there are lots of people that get to recover and hold their baby during recovery. I won't get to do that. I will have to recover quickly because I've got a job to do and that is feeding my nicu babies. Again I won't be able to express my feeling because I will need to be there for the twins and showing emotion will be too hard on me. I'm mourning the birth I thought I would have. I don't care how the twins get here. I didn't mind a csection. I just wanted to hold them and have them with me, but now I get a more natural birth and no babies to hold in my room. (unless I'm allowed to go to 36 weeks). I'm sad because I don't get to decorate the nursery, pack a hospital bag, and do all the things I was really looking forward to doing before the babies get here. I'm sad because I'm sitting here emotional in bed and Jared keeps talking about how he will be gone so much during rotations and this is not the way I thought my life would go. (I do know God has a plan, remember this is my bad place post so I'm being honest). I'm sad because I can't shop for the rest of the stuff I need for the twins and I was really looking forward to that. I'm sad because now I have gestational diabetes and I can't eat cookies to help me calm down and relax my mood.

I'm hungry. Do you know how bad centerpoint food is?! It is horrible!!!!! I mean seriously, this is a hospital, maybe make things just a little healthier. But now I can't have sugar so I'm filling my body with aspertame and artificial ingredients. I usually gain 5lb a week. I've started losing weight with how aweful this food is. By the way thank you to everyone that has brought me snacks and food. You have no idea how much a appreciate it.

I'm thankful. I'm thankful because my babies are doing so well. I'm thankful that I came in when I did. I had SVT so who knows if the babies putting me into preterm labor made me go into the hospital right before I had an svt flair up that would have been dangerous if I was at home. I'm thankful I'm still pregnant. I'm thankful that I'm almost done. I'm thankful for good friends that comes to visit me so I don't just sit here thinking of all this negative things all day. I'm thankful for the prayers. Without them I would have two babies fighting for their lives in the nicu. I'm thankful that I'm still pregnant. I'm thankful that I have a family that can take Mason for me and also do laundry for me since I'm not home. I'm thankful for technology or I would go mad being stuck here for so long. There is a lot more I'm thankful for but I'm getting tired so I'm closing this for now. Next goal 30 weeks. Two more days.

My little ham trying to potty train. Didn't work.

My belly button didn't make it

29 weeks

YAY!!!!!!
29 weeks:
Approximately 90-95% of babies born in the 29^th week of pregnancy will survive. Babies born at this gestation will typically weigh about 1.1 kg. The 29 weeker has accumulated enough baby fat to account for nearly 3.5% of their overall body weight. They have started to shed their lanugo, the fine hair that covers a preemie’s body.The eyes can now blink and respond to light and to dark. Their retinas are still developing (making them at risk for retinopathy of prematurity) but their eyes can form images. Although the 29 weeker can hear your voice, loud noises are often too much for their underdeveloped neurological system and they will startle easily. The bright lights may also be too much for them to handle and they may tire easily. Keeping their space dimly lit will help them get the rest they need to learn and grow. By 29 weeks, premature babies are also starting to develop more coordinated sleep-wake cycles and are starting to have periods of REM sleep. They enjoy being swaddled and nesting helps with feelings of security. The 29 week preemie’s stomach is still growing and maturing and the intestines are beginning to mature. They will not be ready to nipple feed but allowing the preemie to suck on a pacifier while being fed will help develop the muscles necessary to eat when the time comes. In addition to the noticeable outside maturity of a 29 week preemie, the brain also goes through a period of rapid growth as well. Their brains are starting to look wrinkled and grooved, and are mature enough to begin to control their own body temperature. Premature babies born at 29 weeks gestation will still require long NICU stays but may not have some of the more complex medical issues that come with being born at an earlier gestation. (www.peekabooicu.net/2012/02/your-growing-preemie-week-by-week/)

We made it this far. We are officially not extremely premature. We are moderately premature. This is HUGE because 29 weekers do better. Of course they are still below 30 weeks so they will require a lot of nicu time, more time than I would like, but at least if I go back into labor now they will have a better chance  at survival with no lasting medical issues. Yay babies! I go on the monitors about 4 times in 24 hours and I've maybe contracted 5 times out of all those monitoring times which is great. Still in the back of my head I wonder how long I can go at 4cm and 80% effaced. It wouldn't take much to put me into a hard labor that can't be stopped.

As for the fun stuff, I failed my 1 hour glucose test. I failed BAD. So tomorrow I take the 3 hour. At least I'm in my hospital room and so it's not like I will be wasting precious time sitting in a lab. I'll just be doing what I do best here, laying in bed. I'm going to take another Ambian tonight and so maybe I will sleep through the whole test since I have to do it at 5am. Say a little prayer I pass cause these girls will have enough issues when they come out, they don't need gestational diabetes on top of all that. And plus the highlight of my dinner is the chocolate cake. Nothing else here tastes good, so if I have to give that up I may just cry.

Speaking of crying, Jared went back to school today. I realized how much I depend on him when I got cold at night and I needed someone to pull the covers up since I'm technically supposed to be laying back in bed and not moving much. I just stared at the covers that I couldn't get and started crying because in that moment I realized I was alone. Things did get better as the day went on and I realized that I can pass the day by sleeping. I also had a good friend come up and we watched a movie so that helped pass the time also.

My doctor came in to give me a final say on what the plan is. Until now I've been talking to doctors that can give me a guess on what will happen, but my doctor has the final say. So the official plan (for now) is that I am here until delivery. He said normally he would let me leave at 32 weeks, but with my heart condition he wants me here. He said that at 34 weeks we have pushed our luck enough and he wants to deliver. I do question the 34 week thing, but I guess 34 weeks is when things get to the point where the benefits of leaving them in is the same as getting them out. I know they will require nicu time and I'm not happy about that, but we are also looking at my health. So 5 weeks. The countdown is on till I get to meet these lil pipsqueaks. Oh and the best part of all is that since I'm already so dialated and almost fully effaced he thinks that a vbac is safe and wants to try that first. I'm so happy because I want to experience a vaginal birth at least once, and vaginally giving birth to twins!!!! How awesome. I'm just hoping Aubree doesn't come out easily and then Avalee will require a csection. But if that happens that just means more time in the hospital to recover and a chance of taking them home with me instead of leaving them here.

Again, sorry for no belly pics. I'm not allowed to stand up except to go to the bathroom. I even have to shower sitting down. My belly isn't that interesting anyway, the babies have dropped so instead of looking bigger my belly is just sagging more from the weight. I will try to take some pics of my lovely room and get some of Mason. Maybe I can sneak a belly pic in real quick before I rush back to my bed.

At this point every week is a new goal so my next goal is 30 weeks.

Preterm Labor Part 2

Again sorry for the typos. I'm still hooked up to this IV and it makes it very hard to write. On the plus side I got my second IV out :). I don't remember where I left off, but I think it was right after labor stopped. Because I was progressing so fast they had to use a catheter on me since I wasn't allowed to get up. They inserted it and I knew it was going to be a problem. No one can relax enough to stop labor with a catheter up there "You know what". So contractions were getting strong enough that I could feel tightening. I complained a lot about that catheter. It made me feel like I had to pee all the time and that was not a feeling I needed to have when I was focusing on doing everything possible to stop labor. Finally a nurse listened and took it out. She checked me again and I had dialated more and so she told me I had to use a catheter or bedpan cause I couldn't get up. Bedpan 100% lady!!!! I may wet the bed a little but its so much better than a dang catheter.

So contractions slowed down and I was able to really relax more. I was still on a labor and delivery bed but I was exhausted so I tried to get some sleep. It was a terrible night because the labor beds were not made to be slept on and I had nurses coming in all the time to check on me. I always asked what my contractions were doing because I never could feel what was going on in my uterus. The same answer everytime "there is some irritability with a few real contractions mixed in". I didn't like that answer. I wanted my uterus to be calm but an irritable uterus usually doesn't cause dialation so I took it.

Oh I forgot to mention what happened after contractions stopped. So they stopped and my doctor finally allowed me to eat (At this point I hadn't had a bite to eat since 7am when I was on my way to work). I leaned over to get food and that's when I felt it. My heart started beating out of my chest. It was beating so hard and so fast that I knew something was not right. I held my chest and looked at my nurse and said "My heart, something is wrong". She looked at my monitor and I knew she was concerned as well. She flipped off all monitors and told me to hold my breath and then push at my chest wall and keep doing that. She ran out to get a doctor. She came back in and said she needed to hook the babies back up to the monitor. Apparently in her moment of panic about my health she failed to realize that my tachycardia could be causing the babies distress and we would have to get them out. She finally got them on and a cardiology team was called in. They did an EKG. My heart had gone from 100bpm to 180bpm in only one heartbeat and we couldn't get it to come down. My doctor was in slight panic mode I guess because she did the one thing that she could think of, she started a second IV and gave me adenosine quickly. That stuff is no joke!!!!! It felt like someone had taken a paddle to my chest and stopped my heart. Later I realized that adenosine can cause a brief moment where you heart actually does stop. I felt my whole body being electrocuted. It only lasted 2 seconds but it was a terrible 2 seconds. It worked though and my heartrate came right down to normal. The girls didn't seem to mind the trauma mommy went through at all. After that episode the cardiologist put me on beta blockers to keep that from happening again. Apparently I have supraventricular tachycardia that I'm predisposed to but pregnancy added just enough stress to my heart that I had a full blown episode. Thank God I was in the hospital when it happened.

The magnesium sulfate took away my appetite and also took away my ability to open my eyes and really focus on any conversation. It made me very hot and so apparently my room was very cold, but I was burning up. Magnesium sulfate is a muscle relaxer and it sure did it's job.

Early Thursday morning I woke up and couldn't breath. I felt this huge weight on my chest and wasn't able to get all the air I needed. I paged the nurse and she got a doctor in as soon as possible. I told him what was going on and they gave me a GI cocktail just in case I was having a heart attack. That stuff was nasty, it had lidocaine in it so it made everything numb which isn't a great feeling to have when you already can't breath. They then ran another EKG and had a doppler ran on my legs to rule out blood clots and I had a chest xray and a heart ultrasound. Everything came back normal which was good, but also frusterating because my chest pain was getting worse and I was gasping for air. They then gave me a wonderful drug called Stadol. That stuff is what butterflies and unicorns are made off. As soon as it took effect I was floating in a sea of red George Washingtons and as I landed I realized that I was in the middle of the building of the dollar bill, only the dollar bill was being built out of tennis balls. That stuff was fun and I told my nurse that if I made it to my csection date I wanted that stuff to calm me down. After awhile I started to come around and realized that the chest pain was still there. I paged a nurse and said " Sleepy Megan doesn't care about this chest pain, but as soon as she wakes up, awake Megan is going to want to breath again." So they paged the cardiology team and we talked. I guess I scared the cardiologist so bad with all the gasping that he immedietely ordered a CT scan and said that yes it can have some effects on the babies, but this was a critical situation and we may need to take the babies asap if we can't get this under control. Ct scan came back fine and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. It was determined that I was either having anxiety attacks or I was having a reaction to my heart medication. I was given anti anxiety meds and taken off all heart meds as well as magnesium. After 12 hours I could breath again and the chest pain was gone. The final diagnosis was anxiety and I was allowed back on the heart meds since my heart problems were a big concern.

I was finally allowed to take a shower which was a big accomplishment since before now it's been get up to pee and straight back to bed. I have to sit in a chair in the shower since I'm not allowed to get up much, but it felt so good. I took my last oral labor stopping drug today so now I'm on my own. If labor starts again then we will go back on magnesium to help the babies brains, but there isn't a whole lot they can do to stop labor. I'm so far progressed that they will basically just let babies come so prayers that my body cooperates. No more contractions. We have also been taken off the monitors so I am monitored twice a day now instead of full time. All the nurses comment on how the babies act like they are much older than 28 weekers because they are so active and tolerate contractions well. They said most 28 weekers don't tolerate labor at all and need to be taken in an emergency situation.

Just to be clear, the situation we were in was dangerous. Very very dangerous. I didn't realize how bad it was until I toured the NICU today. The girls beds are already labeled and ready to go for when they get here. We were so close to delivering two very young babies and it all hit me today when I saw their beds. I've had the attitude of  "Lets get down to business". Ever since we conceived these babies, with the bleeding, and the dangers of TTTS, and now the preterm labor, I've never actually allowed myself to feel any emotion. I did feel some emotion when didn't let me eat donuts but other then that it's been all business. Today after seeing the twins beds it all hit me and all the emotions I've been bottling up just came out.

I want to have babies that I get to hold and get to cuddle while I'm in my recovery room. I want to dress them in all the cute clothes I've gotten them. I shouldn't have to worry everyday if they will survive another day. I want to take them home and introduce them to Mason. I want to have a normal birth experience. The fact that that's being ripped away from me just hit me and made me emotional. I was able to pull it together and get back into the "business mode", because even though I want to feel emotion I don't have that luxery. My job is to keep these babies in and not be selfish about my own wants and desires. I'm a mom and moms don't always get to "feel" they have to be strong for their children. So there was my moment of weakness. Now it's time to get back to business and .....lay around a hospital room for another few weeks. lol. Jared goes back to school tomorrow and I'm freaked out. I rely on him so much but he told me that he would come right back after school is over. I guess tomorrow I will do a lot of online shopping. :) 

PRETERM LABOR Part 1

I'm gonna be breaking this down into different parts because there is a lot to talk about. Please forgive my typos because I'm writing with an iv and I'm also on anxiety medication that makes me pretty loopy. First things first, the important part.

28 weeks:
Babies born at 28 weeks gestation have a 90-95percent chance of survival. Babies born at this gestation will typically weigh about 1kg. At 27 weeks a baby is no longer considered a micro-preemie but is now termed a very premature infant. At 28 weeks, the eyelids are now open, the eyebrows and eyelashes are fully formed. The eyes can now blink and respond to light and to dark. Their retinas are still developing (making them at risk for retinopathy of prematurity) but their eyes can form images. Although the 28 weeker can hear your voice, loud noises are often too much for their underdeveloped neurological system and they will startle at loud noises. The bright lights may also be too much for them to handle and they may tire easily. Keeping their space dimly lit will help them get the rest they need to learn and grow. By 28 weeks, premature babies are also starting to develop more coordinated sleep-wake cycles and are starting to have periods of REM sleep. The bones are fully formed at 28 weeks but are still very soft and vulnerable. The stomach and intestines are slowly maturing by 28 weeks . The lungs sacs (alveoli) are formed and are capable of breathing air as their vascular system can now handle oxygen carbon dioxide exchange and their brain stem can now regulate rhythmic breathing. Although they often still have underdeveloped lungs and may need extra help with respiratory support as they grow stronger. The 28 weekers body fat has begun to increase and they are able to regulate their basal body temperature but will need help keeping warm as they still lack brown fat and their brain is unable to regulate their tiny body’s temperature. Premature babies born at 28 weeks will still require long NICU stays with extensive medical care before they are discharged to home. (www.peekabooicu.net/2012/02/your-growing-preemie-week-by-week/).

I'm not 28 weeks anymore, I'm 28 weeks 5 days, but at this point everyday counts.

Lets start from the very beginning. Which was at 23 weeks. I went over this awhile ago, but now it actually comes into play and really matters. I've been feeling braxton hicks since 23 weeks. Dr Evil (who is on call tonight and if he is really nice then maybe I will change his name back) told me that the braxton hicks could mean labor but he isn't sure so just wait it out until I go into active labor. But by that time it will be to late and he wouldn't stop it. So I ignored them. I went for an appt with Dr Hall on Monday and he checked my cervix. It looked perfect and no cause for alarm. I tried to just blow off this feeling like something was wrong but I knew something wasn't right. 2 weeks later I was still having Braxton Hicks everyday. I will admit I went to Branson last weekend and walked around a lot. Dr Hall said it was okay as long as I took it easy. I took it at easy as I could, but I was never in much pain. Only lots and lots of tightening which I thought was okay to be having. Occationally I would be in pain and would have to stop what I was doing and breath through an actual contraction, but being a second time mom I knew what real labor felt like and I knew that tiny aches and pains wasnt dangerous. Or so I thought. I had an amazing shower on Thurday and I got everything I needed. Thankfully all the stuff that I need now are little things that I can order online from the comfort of my hospital room. By the way, To all my shower guests, I'm very sorry but Thank you cards will be coming very late this time. I'm not exactly sure where the list is for the thank you cards and I don't know if my mom will be able to go though my organized mess to find all the stuff I need.

So back to the shower. It came right on time because if It wasn't for the shower I would be a complete mess thinking about everything the girls needed that I am not going to be able to get. The nursery is a mess just ready to set up, the girls clothes are everythere just ready to be washed. So during Branson I was miserable because I had this intense feeling like I needed to go home and get things ready for the babies. I was too tired to do much when I got home so Monday I started washing clothes. Monday was pretty busy though because I had to take a glucose test and I had an ultrasound that day. Which the girls looked perfect. I tried my best to get things done, but I felt stupid for being in such a hurry, I mean I had 8 weeks left so why the rush. Tuesday at work I was in a complete panic. I needed to get the house ready and NOW! I just wanted to go home and get the room ready and pack my bags. As soon as I got home though I was exhausted and played with Mason until bed. Once Mason went to bed I couldn't breath, so I went to bed as well. I forgot to mention that on Monday both babies were breech, but on Tuesday I felt feet kicking my lungs and I knew Aubree had turned and was now head down and ready to go.

Here is where things get interesting. Tuesday night I got up to go to the bathroom. I was sick and miserable. I couldn't walk and I felt like going out to the couch to cry because of how miserable I felt. I thought about texting my boss and saying I was officially done with work, but I thought I could last another 4 weeks and I was just being a sissy for feeling like this when a lot of twin moms last longer than 28 weeks while working. Besides, two of my doctors said it was find to be active eventhough they knew I was having a lot of tightening so I just assumed I was being my normal paranoid self. Wednesday I got to work and realized we were understaffed. I was feeling very bad. but I tried to suck it up and carry my weight since I didn't want to slow the back office down all because I was feeling a little "off". I sat down to work on a patient and I felt a very strong contraction. I knew it was a contraction because it felt like early labor with Mason. The blood drained from my face but it went away and I though "surely that was just gas!". Awhile later I felt another one only a little stronger. Again all blood left my face and I panicked. I debated on calling my doctor but instead decided to suck it up because we were so understaffed. Instead I went to the bathroom to try to see if that helped. Thinking that it helped I went back to work. I felt energy draining and knew I was overdoing it at work. I tried not to cry, but I was so miserable that I couldn't shake the feeling of "something is wrong, I need to leave work NOW". I was working with my boss on a retainer case when I felt another contraction only this time it was intense and I knew it wasn't normal gas pain at all. I looked around the room for anyone free that could help me but everyone was working so I stuck it out till the patient left. I could tell the doctor thought I was spacing because I kept dropping things and my head was not where it should have been. I felt another one shortly after that and this one wrapped around my back and tightened everything. As soon as we were finished with that patient I booked it to my phone and called the nurse. I explained what was going  on and she told me to drop everything and go to the hospital. Like the smart person I am I asked her if I could finish up my patients for the morning and then go to the hospital. She sternly told me no and I needed to leave asap. I felt dumb, I am not a first time mom, I know what labor feels like and I knew I wasn't in labor, but I guess better safe than sorry so I left and promised my boss I would be back after lunch. (hee hee). I got to the hospital and got hooked up to monitors. I was clearly not in any pain so the nurse didn't pay any attention to my contraction monitor and focused on getting the twins on the monitor which proved to be very difficult. Before I was discharged she decided to check my cervix. She turned around and asked when the last time I was checked was. I told her 3 weeks ago. She told me I was 2cm. That's when things got crazy. My mind raced. 2 cm!!!! I was 2 cm weeks before Mason was born! I was only 25 % effaced though so that was good. How could I be 2 cm. The nurse told me I was having contractions to dialate me and she adjusted the contraction monitor. A doctor came in to check on me and he asked what my contractions were doing. "2 minutes apart lasting for 1 minute each" is what I heard the nurse say. WHAT!!!!!????? I was supposed to be here just as a precaution, I wasn't supposed to be in labor. This wasn't supposed to happen to me!!!! That's when the doctor asked to check me again. 3 cm and 75% effaced. This had all happened in less than 1 hour. I started to panic and cry! I was in labor! I was in active labor and I couldn't even feel it. I was contracting every 2 minutes and I had no idea. The doctor held my hand and said he was going to try to stop labor by giving me magnesium. First I had to have a steriod shot. I was given steriods to help the babies lungs in case of delivery and started magnesium. I was very scared because I've heard horror storied about Magnesium

For anyone faced with magnesium in their future, I want to help you out. Going in the magnesium made my chest burn and my mouth feel hot. Then it made it's way down my body. I felt it making it's way down cause every body part would get hotter and hotter. The nurse put a fan on my face which made a huge difference. At that point the doctor had to get real and he asked me all these questions about what type of delivery I wanted. I chose a vbac and he said that was his suggestion as well because it's much better for preterm babies. As soon as my initial panic was over I felt like I was floating almost. Like I was watching all of this take place but it wasn't really happening to me. God spoke to me and said "pray Megan." So that's what I did. And I felt God pick me up just like he did when I was bleeding so many weeks ago. I was calm. I had the labor and delivery team surrounding me, I had the nicu staff talking to me, I had people prepping for delivery but I knew it was all in vain. These babies were not coming out. My nurse and doctor told me that it was a matter of hours before I would meet the twins, but I knew differently. Their birthday was not going to be August 8, 2013. I felt liquid between my legs and the doctor came over to check my water. Luckily it was discharge from the labor stopping suppositories that I was given and not my water, but my cervix was now almost 4 cm and 80% effaced. My doctor sat down and said that we wouldn't make it to my 24 hour mark where I needed that second dose of steriods. She ordered it for 12 hours instead and she said my goal was to make it to my next steriod shot before delivery.

I asked about the magnesium since everyone was so sure I was going to deliver. They told me that magnesium works within 2 hours and since I had passed that 2 hour mark, the magnesium was not stopping labor, it was only being used to strengthen the twins. I again politely smiled. These babies were NOT coming out tonight! I knew it. I was  administered to 3 times that night and I know a lot of prayers went up for me. God was listening because nothing was stopping that fast moving labor. I was progressing so fast that they thought I was going to have babies within hours. Well hours turned into more hours and soon hours turned into days and here I am 3 days later and still very pregnant. I know it was the power of prayer that stopped my labor because the doctors and nurses were amazed that it just stopped for no reason. I knew it would, I had no doubt it would. God has carried me through this pregnancy and he will continue to carry me though. Sorry people, no belly pictures today. I'm not allowed to get up to do anything except go to the bathroom. I'm on hospital bedrest for a very long time. A lot more has happened, mainly with my health so I will update you all in a part 2. I took 2 Ambian last night so I'm exhausted and need to take a nap before I get out of jail and they allow me to take a shower. yay!!!!! It's the little things. :)