Now I'm in the hospital and being monitored a lot. I can't control my body anymore and I can't control my pregnancy because the nurses and doctors have taken control of my care. I no longer have to wonder if something is wrong because all I have to do is push the call light and say how I'm feeling instead of wonder if I should call the doctor. It's a good feeling and I feel like I no longer have to worry about not going home with two babies (eventually) because I'm being monitored so closely. Because I don't have to worry I now have time to feel emotions that I haven't allowed myself to feel. It's a good feeling to be taken care of, but I'm just having a hard time dealing with this flood of emotion that suddenly hit me. So this is how I feel.
I'm angry. I'm angry at the man that told me that my twins would die. I'm mad at the man online that told me I shouldn't be excited about my twins because there is a huge chance something would go wrong and the twins would fight for their lives. I'm mad that I have had to spend this entire pregnancy worrying about every little thing. I'm mad that no one else understands how I feel because identical twin pregnancy is so different than any other pregnancy including other twin pregnancies and I always have to defend my decisions about the pregnancy. I'm angry that I haven't been allowed to enjoy this pregnancy. I'm angry that Mason has had to suffer and I haven't been a true mom to him because the twins drained my energy. I'm angry that I had bleeding early on and wasn't allowed to hold Mason. I'm mad that I've lost 8 months of Masons life because I have just been to tired to be the mom I want to be. I'm mad that all of this happened during med school so I have had to deal with it alone.
I'm sad. I'm sad because I feel like I'm doing this on my own. Jared has been very supportive, but now that I'm in preterm labor and in the hospital I just want him with me. He is amazing and he studies in my room, but sometimes I just want him actually with me to support me. I'm sad that I only see Mason 30 minutes out of the day and he is scared of me because I look different in bed. I'm sad that I am being robbed of the birth experience I want. Yes I get my vbac and that I am VERY thankful for. But I'm sad because the babies will be taken away from me. Last night I asked how long the twins will be in the nicu if my doctor lets me go to 35 weeks. The nicu nurse said 5 weeks. I stayed up until 3am trying to not cry over that one and then finally broke down when Jared said he couldn't study in my room. I knew it was coming, but it's the little things that set me off. I know they have to say that because they don't want me to get my hopes up, but right now I need hope. I need to be told some good news for a change. I'm sad because there are lots of people that get to recover and hold their baby during recovery. I won't get to do that. I will have to recover quickly because I've got a job to do and that is feeding my nicu babies. Again I won't be able to express my feeling because I will need to be there for the twins and showing emotion will be too hard on me. I'm mourning the birth I thought I would have. I don't care how the twins get here. I didn't mind a csection. I just wanted to hold them and have them with me, but now I get a more natural birth and no babies to hold in my room. (unless I'm allowed to go to 36 weeks). I'm sad because I don't get to decorate the nursery, pack a hospital bag, and do all the things I was really looking forward to doing before the babies get here. I'm sad because I'm sitting here emotional in bed and Jared keeps talking about how he will be gone so much during rotations and this is not the way I thought my life would go. (I do know God has a plan, remember this is my bad place post so I'm being honest). I'm sad because I can't shop for the rest of the stuff I need for the twins and I was really looking forward to that. I'm sad because now I have gestational diabetes and I can't eat cookies to help me calm down and relax my mood.
I'm hungry. Do you know how bad centerpoint food is?! It is horrible!!!!! I mean seriously, this is a hospital, maybe make things just a little healthier. But now I can't have sugar so I'm filling my body with aspertame and artificial ingredients. I usually gain 5lb a week. I've started losing weight with how aweful this food is. By the way thank you to everyone that has brought me snacks and food. You have no idea how much a appreciate it.
I'm thankful. I'm thankful because my babies are doing so well. I'm thankful that I came in when I did. I had SVT so who knows if the babies putting me into preterm labor made me go into the hospital right before I had an svt flair up that would have been dangerous if I was at home. I'm thankful I'm still pregnant. I'm thankful that I'm almost done. I'm thankful for good friends that comes to visit me so I don't just sit here thinking of all this negative things all day. I'm thankful for the prayers. Without them I would have two babies fighting for their lives in the nicu. I'm thankful that I'm still pregnant. I'm thankful that I have a family that can take Mason for me and also do laundry for me since I'm not home. I'm thankful for technology or I would go mad being stuck here for so long. There is a lot more I'm thankful for but I'm getting tired so I'm closing this for now. Next goal 30 weeks. Two more days.
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| My little ham trying to potty train. Didn't work. |
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| My belly button didn't make it |
They won't keep them in NICU if they are super healthy. 5 weeks is a long estimate, and I'm thinking they gave you the longest answer just in case. In fact, I've never heard of them keeping them that long (if they are born at 35 weeks) unless the babies have complications. I had a friend who had a baby at 30 weeks and he was only in NICU 4 weeks. I have another friend whose baby just went home with them and he was born at 32 weeks. He was only in NICU for 4 weeks, so I don't see why yours would be in NICU for 5 weeks, so chin up :-).
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